First of all, I think this is wonderful. But since you asked for feedback, I will do my best to constructively criticize you in minute detail.
-I think the writing could have been tightened up to improve your average jokes-per-second. By that I mean removing unnecessary words and phrases, paraphrasing whatever you can - just trimming the fat, you know?
-ALSO, I think the dialogue isn't being used to its full potential. The jokes shift between funny concepts (FHM's alter ego's face is on his shoulder, he kidnaps sidekicks, etc.) and funny interactions (the conversations about those things), which is OBJECTIVELY GOOD.
HOWEVER, those interactions mainly act as exposition for the conceptsâEU"the dialogue describes FHM's face situation and Steve describes how FHM kidnapped him, but the main jokes of those conversation are the absurdity of the subject matter rather than the actual interaction between the characters.
Then again, my sense of humor leans toward rapid-fire non sequitirs. Take it all with a grain of salt.
Thanks much. I've never written one of these before, so I very much appreciate it. I will now reduce your feedback to cooking terms:
1. Trim the fat.
2. Get to the meat of the subject.
3. Take it all with a grain of salt.
4. Enjoy! (serves up to four people)
I added that last one myself. About your first point, I did actually remove some unnecessary lines of dialogue, and even a whole unnecessary character before submitting what you got to hear. While it certainly isn't trim, by any stretch of the imagination, it's not as fatty as it once was. I will take your advice to heart for future submissions.
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